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September 11th -
Woke up this morning with this heavy on my heart and had to express it. I wrote this early this morning and I am asking that you excuse the poor grammar and funky writing. I am laying out my heart and don't want to get wrapped up in cleaning it up to make it more "presentable".
So many emotions hit me today.
Today is the day that the world broke apart in my eyes.
This is the day that the world came together in my eyes.
This is the birthday of a dear friend (Hi Mark - we miss and love you to pieces).
This is the day that one of my beautiful nieces was born (Happy Birthday Livie! We love you!).
Today is a day of worry and anxiety over Irma hitting last night - what damage was sustained? Who was harmed? Who is okay? Praying everyone is okay! Side note - can I put the world in a bubble? That'd be cool, right?
September 11 was also the first day that I heard about my business - the business that changed my life and has fed my family for six years now. That has blessed me beyond measure.
So to say I have conflicted emotions about this date is such an understatement - I don't know if I can even put it into words - if I can even be coherent.
So I'm just typing - and putting my heart on the screen and I'm not going to worry about making sense just yet - I just need to share my heart.
2001
Corey and I were commuting from our home in Temecula to our jobs in San Diego listening to sports radio when the news of that first plane aired. Corey got it right away "this is an attack". I did not. I am naïve - happily so - and thought it HAD to be an accident. And that everyone would be okay. Damn it - I am already crying - why wasn't everyone okay? Why did so many have to lose their life that day? Picture two giant middle fingers to all the assholes behind this tragedy. So much anger towards an event that took place sixteen years ago. How has it been 16 years?
We are driving - we are listening to the news - and then we get to my work. And I honestly didn't know how the world could keep spinning. The second plane hit and I watched the coverage in the conference room at the real estate investment firm where I was working. The attorneys I worked for wanted me to get work done. I had a job to do. I get it. My bosses were good people - they had hearts - but they had a job to do. I did too but I didn't do shit. I shut down. I physically could not focus on anything other than the horror on the screen. How could the world keep turning when mamas were losing their lives and people were leaping to their death and babies were screaming and heroes were running to try to save just one? Just one??
How could I let Corey out of my sight when I no longer felt that the ground we were standing on was solid? How did mamas let go of the hands of their babies that day? I wasn't blessed with babies yet - and at that moment I remember being so grateful. I remember say "we will never bring babies into this f***ed up world." Grateful and terrified that I ate those words. (Side note - I hate the f-word in writing. I've been known to drop a bomb or two but do NOT lay it down in writing lightly - I apologize if that shit offends you but those were the words that poured from my mouth and I meant them).
Heartbreak, terror, desperation, helplessness, hopelessness - I can still feel it all.
But then - is there a but then?? But then, as the days went by - I remember watching this country come together. The love of our nation. The feeling of cohesion and community and "we are all in this together". Screw political parties or age or race or gender. NONE of that matters - we are one. We are Americans. We will come together and defend our homes, our families, our communities from "them". I still don't know who "them" is - that’s a story for another day - but I knew who "us" was and that's all that mattered.
I remember loving that sense of community and togetherness. I actively miss that right now. I hate that we as a nation allow bullshit to separate us.
Quick thought - and give it some deep thought - really - who wins when you and I are separated? Who wins when I think you are my enemy and you think I am yours? When we can't work together but instead live in a place of mistrust and even hatred? I know it isn't me. I know it isn't you.
I promise you that on 9/11/2001 I did not give a crap who anyone voted for in the previous election. I didn't care about the race of one single person involved (still don't - thank you very much). I didn't care if that first responder was a democrat or a republican or a dirty freaking hippy (raises hand). Did anyone give a crap about any of that?
Can we get back there? Without a freaking tragedy? Can we live in a place of love and togetherness - even now? I think we can.
Look at Houston. Harvey just destroyed businesses, homes, lives and heroes have stepped up to help. Churches of all denominations are creating relief efforts for everyone - not just their followers. Men and woman from around the nation have flown and driven in to help. Republicans, democrats and dirty hippies are working together to help each other - to help the "other".
I'm going off on a tangent and I'm trying not to lose focus but maybe we need to lose focus in order to gain clarity?
Hmmm - that was either really deep or complete bullshit. Not gonna worry about it right now.
I need to wrap this up before it overwhelms me so I'll end on this.
I pray for us all. I pray for this nation and for this world. I pray that we let go of the nonsense that divides us and find the common ground that brings us together. I pray that we all choose to be love and light and shine every single day.
I pray for safely for all of those affected by the fires in the north, the hurricane(s) in the east. The earthquake in Mexico. I pray for Houston. I pray for you and I pray for me and I pray for my babies and grandbabies and their grandbabies and so on.
I pray that we all can find peace. Today, every and together.
